Research This!!!

About two months into the MBA program, I have finally completed my research about the origins of management and related subjects! Intensive research (based on primary and secondary data) has revealed to me the source and the underlying philosophy behind management subjects. Here is my analysis for you all (before I send it to the Harvard Business Review for publishing).


Seven Facts about Management, Uncovered!

1. In 1945 when the Nazi regime was about to come to an end, a decision was taken by the Nazis to keep their propaganda alive in the form of Management Education. Management education was designed by them to promote hatred. “With every lecture they should hate their teachers, with every assignment they should hate their group mates, and with every result declaration they should hate themselves!” These were the words of the Fuehrer himself. The underlying mission was to create an army of hateful drones to massacre all art and creativity on the planet. Their legacy lives on.


2. In 1963 a bunch of nerds with zero social acceptance, decided to become ‘cool’ by developing an alien language. However when development began, they realised that none of them had an ounce of creativity in them to carry out such a feat. They therefore decided to incorporate what they understood rather well, into the language: numbers! The resulting ‘alien language with numbers’ became an instant hit all across the world and is now globally recognized as ‘Finance’.


3. In 1965 an Arab-American boy who was a descendent of a long line of Persian Alchemists from the medieval age, was challenged by his American friends to bring them a fragment of the ‘Philosopher’s stone’. They threw cow excreta at him and asked him to make gold out of it. Enraged, the boy returned to his motherland to find the stone. Within two years the boy returned to America with the stone which could convert bullshit into gold. However, to maintain anonymity and for his own safety he renamed the stone as ‘Marketing’.


4. The average number of brain cells used by a management student during a lecture is 35. This number is slightly higher than the number of brain cells used by a coma patient in a minute. This is also 2 more than the number of members of All India Tusshar Kapoor Fan Club.


5. ‘Deception 101’ is a subject secretly taught to all management faculties as an integral part of their job training. “The idea is to see how well the students deal with deception” A renowned education expert says. “The faculty would ask the students not to cram and then judge them only on cramming skills. The students would be asked not to attend the lectures if they aren’t interested, but if they skip a lecture they are ******! It’s a part of their training for the corporate world.”


6. Around 1990s Neo Nazi organizations over the world realised that in spite of the effectiveness of the Nazi propaganda, people still appeared to be satisfied with work. Detailed marketing research revealed that this was due to ‘Hope’ that people had. In order to make their Pandora’s box full proof by destroying all hope, they created a sophisticated hope squishing instrument called ‘Human Resources  Management’


7. The greatest management research company in the world is ‘The Carlsberg Group’ which empowers and enables young and inexperienced researchers like yours truly to accomplish great tasks of uncovering some of the deadliest secrets in history.